Confession

I am not good with babies... There I said it! I am awkward at holding them, picking them up, etc. It is a bit embarrassing since I've been trying to have one for about a year and a half. My only consolation is that I am pretty sure that a lot of good parents were exactly the same way until they had a bit of practice.

Here's to not dropping my friend's babies!

All is not bad

The good thing about being back on birth control is that my skin will look great! This also gives me three months to really get my but in stellar shape. I'm starting a mini "boot camp" next week since I have off work. It also gives me something else to obsess about!

Why do I do this to myself

I keep reading posts about old classmates that are pregnant. Some were very close friends of mine. It just reminds me that we are in the same stage in life. Many of them are pregnant with their second child. Why can't that be me?

I sometimes feel like it will never happen. I'm scared that it will never happen. I need to stop being angry about the situation. I get angry that this is so difficult for us when it is so easy for most people.

I've been noticing a pattern lately. Couples who got married after we starting trying to get pregnant are now expecting children. I came across 2 today at work. What the heck?!

I wonder sometimes why we seem to be tested more than the average couple. Nothing has come easy for us. I understand that life is hard, but we have struggled everyday of our lives together. I am so thankful that we have such a strong relationship. I love my husband dearly, and he worships me. For now, that's what we need to hold onto. I need to stop thinking about what I don't have, and start thinking about what I do have.

It's like those sit-up tests

Why did God create cramps? Ugh! My husband has asked me before how it feels. The only thing I can think of is the Presidential Physical Fitness tests in high school. There was this awful test where they gave you a minute to do as many sit-ups as you could. Imagine that stomach pains after that minute. That's what cramps feel like.

To be honest, I don't think I'd mind them that much if I wasn't trying to get pregnant. I had cramps before, and I never complained.

http://www.presidentschallenge.org/index.aspx

Disappointment

I was almost in tears today at work.

I got my test results back from my round of tests to figure out my spotting. All normal. There is no physical reason why I should be spotting. My hormones are normal. My lining is normal.

My only option to try and fix this is birth control. So here I am, knowing that I need to go on birth control for three months. Three more months of no chance of conceiving. It's depressing, but necessary. I need to suck it up. I keep telling myself that if you look at the larger picture, 3 months isn't so long. That sounds good. That's what I keep telling myself.

New beginnings

I have a personal blog for family and friends and noticed that my struggles with infertility were beginning to take over that blog. This was never my intention, so I've created this blog as a public forum.

I plan to share my personal struggles in the hope that it will help others dealing with similar problems.

I will start by sharing my background in trying to conceive:

-M and I started dating in 2001. Very early in our relationship, we decided that a family was incredibly important to both of us. We would wait until we were married and at a good point in our lives, but we really wanted to have children.

-In 2007, we got married. We decided to wait until we found a bigger place to start trying to start a family.

-June 2008- We moved! We decided to start trying that month in celebration of our larger home (chosen specifically for our future family).

-The first 3 months I thought I would get pregnant right away. I was taking home pregnancy tests 2-3 times a month!

-After the 4th month, I started charting and joined some online message boards. Maybe this trying to conceive business wasn't as easy as I thought.

-October was a weird month. I spotted for 6 days and had a really short cycle. I was mildly concerned, but I just figured that I was having an off month.

-By December, I was concerned. 6 months and no sign of pregnancy. My charts showed clear ovulation, and we were timing everything perfectly.

-By January, I was spotting every month for 5 days before my period. I went to the doc with charts in hand mentioning my concern. I was in my 30's. I was having abnormal spotting, and I wasn't getting pregnant. He thought I was jumping the gun, and he made me feel like I was crazy for going to him.

-By April, he agreed to run some tests. A saline ultrasound(which hurt like heck!) and some bloodwork. They came back normal.

-After a year, I went back and said that I wanted to talk about other infertility testing. Again, the doctor reprimanded me for being too concerned about fertility. I was in tears the entire way home. He made me feel like I was crazy. He did agree to run a few tests though.

-A little later, I has an HSG done to check for tubal blockages. Again, everything was normal.

-After that, I gave up. We needed a break, and ran into a minor financial crisis. No more charting. No more worrying about charting. Nothing. I figured maybe those fertile people knew what they were talking about. Maybe it would happen when I stopped trying?

-By October, I started spotting heavily every month. It would be for about 8 days before my period, and then I would have a full period. Last month I decided to get it checked out. I asked for a different doctor. He was great! He understood that after trying for 18 months, that spotting was not a normal symptom and could be related to my infertility.

That is where I am today.