Endometriosis

I'm not sure if anyone really even reads this anymore. I haven't posted in three months, but here goes.

I have Endometriosis. After 2 1/2 yrs of wondering what the heck has been wrong with me, it has been confirmed. I had surgery on Thursday, and they found a growth the size of 2 ping pong balls. Gross huh! I also had smaller instances of endo throughout. I finally don't feel like I'm crazy anymore. It took 3 doctors and 2 1/2 yrs to finally find a doctor that was willing to listen to me and take appropriate action.

I must say though, I am still a little depressed. The diagnosis of Endo means that I will most likely always deal with infertility. I could need more surgeries in the future, and I will have a greater risk of miscarriage if I do get pregnant. It's all very scary. Regardless, I am trying to keep cool until I have my surgery follow up about 3 wks from now.

I am also mourning the loss of my belly button. It looks really weird, because that is where the primary incision for my surgery was. I am optomistic that it will again look like a normal navel after the swelling goes down, but I was in tears yesterday when I took of the bandages.

Wish me luck on everything. I'm glad that at least I know what is going on. If GI Joe is right, then knowing is half the battle!

I know I haven't posted in months. I'm in a funk about TTC, and since we have had our own set of problems beyond family planning, I have been trying not to focus on our infertility. I though I would post something though, because I had my annual exam this week. I spoke with a new doc. She thinks I may have endometriosis. Most of my symptoms point to it, and honestly, though I was afraid to admit it, I've been feeling like that was the case as well.

In a way, I hope that it is not true. DH has been freaking out because his aunt had endo, and it severely limited her chances to have children. I have another ultrasound at the end of the month (3rd or 4th?). I can't remember all I've been through at this point. In a way, I've kind of given up on having children. I'm no longer really excited about it. Is that wrong?

I feel that I can't let myself be excited about it, because more and more, I feel like it's not going to happen for us. I hate it when people ask me when we are going to have kids. I know they don't know any better, but it still sucks. What do you say?

Personally, if it's someone I don't know well, I just say someday. I hate telling people that we've been trying for over 2 yrs. I have to tell family though, because I feel like they have the right to know. It's very hard.

Slacker

I know I've been bad at posting. There really isn't much to report. I'm finishing up my first month of birth control. 2 more months to go! Very exciting stuff! I'm really hoping this fixes my spotting issue. Otherwise, I'm not sure what the next step would be. This isn't even a fertility issue at this point. It is a huge inconvenience to need to worry about spotting and bleeding for 13-14 days out of a 26-28 day cycle.

On the bright side, I'm okay with this not trying to conceive thing for a few months. I have been less stressed out and less angry at other pregnancies (there have been a boatload of them). One of these days, I'll post some useful information about fertility testing in case someone actually comes by and reads this. It sometimes is nice to hear first hand experiences with these types of things.

Right now, I'm feeling lazy, so you will have to wait!

Confession

I am not good with babies... There I said it! I am awkward at holding them, picking them up, etc. It is a bit embarrassing since I've been trying to have one for about a year and a half. My only consolation is that I am pretty sure that a lot of good parents were exactly the same way until they had a bit of practice.

Here's to not dropping my friend's babies!

All is not bad

The good thing about being back on birth control is that my skin will look great! This also gives me three months to really get my but in stellar shape. I'm starting a mini "boot camp" next week since I have off work. It also gives me something else to obsess about!

Why do I do this to myself

I keep reading posts about old classmates that are pregnant. Some were very close friends of mine. It just reminds me that we are in the same stage in life. Many of them are pregnant with their second child. Why can't that be me?

I sometimes feel like it will never happen. I'm scared that it will never happen. I need to stop being angry about the situation. I get angry that this is so difficult for us when it is so easy for most people.

I've been noticing a pattern lately. Couples who got married after we starting trying to get pregnant are now expecting children. I came across 2 today at work. What the heck?!

I wonder sometimes why we seem to be tested more than the average couple. Nothing has come easy for us. I understand that life is hard, but we have struggled everyday of our lives together. I am so thankful that we have such a strong relationship. I love my husband dearly, and he worships me. For now, that's what we need to hold onto. I need to stop thinking about what I don't have, and start thinking about what I do have.

It's like those sit-up tests

Why did God create cramps? Ugh! My husband has asked me before how it feels. The only thing I can think of is the Presidential Physical Fitness tests in high school. There was this awful test where they gave you a minute to do as many sit-ups as you could. Imagine that stomach pains after that minute. That's what cramps feel like.

To be honest, I don't think I'd mind them that much if I wasn't trying to get pregnant. I had cramps before, and I never complained.

http://www.presidentschallenge.org/index.aspx